*Para kay Alvin,

Lagi mong sinasabi na simple ang mga bagay. Nang purihin ko ang ganda ng buwan, “kaya pala maraming makata ang sinasali ang buwan sa kanilang mga akda kasi maganda nga…”Sabi mo naman, “Ay naku, moon yan, moon…” Naglalakad tayo sa kahabaan ng academic oval, laglag ang mukha ko, kasama ng mga mumunting patak ng ulan sa paligid, nakakuyom ang kaliwang kamay, kagat-kagat ang labi. Nagpipigil ako.

“Ang babaw mo.”

“Akala mo naman ang lalim mo…” 

(Eh, ano ngayon?)

Stranger than fiction? Totoo, hindi kita binobola. Ikaw ang nasa isip ko habang pinapanood ang pelikula. Gusto kong ipakita sa iyo na may sariling ritmo ang mundo na nilalapatan ng mga manunulat ng titik. Ma-drama na kung ma-drama, basta ganyan ang nangyayari. Ayaw man nating aminin kung minsan, ang bitaw natin ng mga salita ay matindi pa kina Vilma Santos at Sharon Cuneta. Lalo na kapag sumisiklab, lumiliyab at nag-aalimpuyo ang damdamin. Kung maaari nga lamang i-pause saka i-rewind kapag sinabi mo na ang linya mo, tiyak magugulat ka. Mapapatanga sa totoong script ng buhay.

Para ngang naririnig kita ngayon, habang sinusulat ito, na nagtatanong kung ano ba ang Stranger than Fiction. For me, it’s a story about the writer. Sa unang tingin, tila mas significant ang lead character na si Harold Crick-a literally “precise” person. Subalit sa pagtakbo ng istorya, malalaman nyang parte pala siya ng isang novel at nakasalalay sa writer/author nito ang ending. Magkabuhol ang writer at ang character, one affects the other and vice-versa. Gayunpaman, bida ang writer dahil sa bonggang conclusion nya kung gaano kasarap lasapin ang buhay.

Ipinapaalala rin ng pelikula ang kahalagahan ng bawat pagkakataon, paano nga kaya kung sa isang Wednesday ay may magsabi sayo’ng nalalapit na ang oras? 

Itinampok din ang konsepto ng destiny subalit sa dalawang anyo, ‘yun bang kontrolado (pwedeng mabago, depende sa tao) at sigurado (wala ka nang magagawa kahit lumuha pa ng dugo).

Bakit ikaw ang sinali ko sa paper? Simple lang, ikaw ang Stranger than Fiction para sa akin. Isang taon na ang nagdaan nang mangyari ang nangyari, di ka pa rin namamansin. Kapag nagkakasalubong tayo, parang galing ka sa kabilang nobela at ako naman paikot-ikot sa unang nobelang tinakasan, nilayasan, tinapakan at higit sa lahat, nakalimutan mong isara.

Hay, sapantaha ko, walang hanggang katahimikan na naman ang aanihin ko mula sa iyo kapag nabasa mo ito. (Kainis, sino ba kasi nagsabing there’s something deep in silence?)

Hehehe naiintindihan mo ba? Ganito na lang, pinag-iisipan ang mga bagay at oo na, ang arte ko. 

Ang sinabi mong una mong tatawagin kapag hinoholdap ka na sa Beta Way papuntang Eng’g at pinagtitripan ng mga fratmen sa AS,

Leniboy**

Once In A Valley

Sitting on this couch, I feel the presence of wanderlust
To explore the deepest of the forest
Grip my hands on every stone and climb
They told me I’m a wanderer but the real thing is;
The river runs in me, I am the Valley

22 March 2014 at 23:28

Liker

I am fond of him. I am very much fond of him. I like liking his photos, knowing his roots, identifying his favorite food and stuff. I let myself indulge on this experience of investigating and memorizing every bit of him on Facebook and all other outlets of social media. I am the liker-friend.

Many have noticed how much I liked his photos. From as far as the early 2000 to present, I flooded the newsfeed. Though it was not my intention to catch his attention, it was more of an appreciation of him. I like liking him. I prefer to feel this way about him. They call me the stalker; I call this a harmless crush. 

This is not to defend what I do. I just want to tell the world that you cannot dictate these feelings. There will always be someone that could make you jump off your feet. He doesn’t need to be the A-list guy. He is what he is. He is your special someone.

I do not know what is running on his mind as he already knew that I have a crush on him. I did not say that I have a crush on him. Although, I guess it is very obvious with my comments and gestures towards him. Sometimes I wonder if my eyes deceived me and told him how much I liked him whenever our eyes meet.

It is the world to me whenever he liked my posts on Facebook especially my photos. I learned the things he wants to do, like a dream vacation in Jamaica. I even downloaded a pdf file of lonely planet to see what’s with the place. There is an urgent need inside me to be updated on him. I feel sad when he’s late at the office. I feel glad when he received simple recognitions from the bosses.

We talked about the normal everyday things in life. There is nothing special between us. But for me, every moment with him is different. A simple text message of how are you makes my day bright.

Then one day, the news came. He now has a girlfriend. He is committed to someone else. He is in a relationship status. And from that day on, I started unliking each post. I unfollowed him. I was ashamed of myself.

I realized that I did anticipate that one day he will notice me. I thought it was just a crush.  My feelings are shattered. I reasoned out with myself. I keep on telling myself, he did not ask for it. He did not tell me to surprise him on his birthday. He did not tell me to buy him his favorite brand. He did not do anything to be my special someone. It was all on me.

I started asking, am I not good enough? Is my hair not as shiny as hers? What if I was skinnier and whiter? Would he choose me over her? I know not. And I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to lose myself by pleasing him. Knowing him is already enough. What we have and had is a beautiful episode of my life.

After some days of surviving without his Facebook updates, without his hello on messenger, I got over him. I am now not as ashamed as before. I guess I was bold enough to show my feelings. And I am trying to be bolder by sharing my story of unrequited love.